It’s the first Wednesday of the month, time for
I was busy posting for the A to Z Challenge last month, so I forgot to write for the IWSG. The last time I posted for the group in March, I was deliberating whether or not to concede to a major revision in order to get my book published. Well, as most of you know, I did concede, and I got my book deal, but does that make me any less insecure? Well, in some ways, yes, but in many others, no, not at all.
I suppose what made me most insecure was not landing an agent with my query, and I still haven’t achieved that, even if I did manage to land the bigger fish—the publisher. I never really liked the idea of a gatekeeper anyway, but still, having the approval of one is a mighty form of validation, one which I desired. So in that sense, I am still insecure.
And I still worry obsessively, too, just about different things, things that are more or less out of my control. But when you agree to publish, you have a very limited amount of control. I’m an artist, so I have definitive ideas about my book’s cover, and while my publisher listened to my ideas, they are still the ones to decide what it’ll be. I’m also worried about the edits, which are coming soon. Though I’ve been assured there isn’t much to change, I know I’ll still have to kill a darling here or there—words, not characters.
Of course, my biggest insecurity is wondering how well my book will do once it’s released in October. Its success will ride mostly on word-of-mouth. Sure, there will be marketing and blog tours and reviews and all that, but you and I know that most books are made or broken by word-of-mouth. And my audience is adult, a most discerning crowd.
So while I’ve had my own brand of validation from my publisher, it’s all still a crap shoot. Sure, I’ve had my share of accolades, which I am greatly appreciative of, but while many of those are from writers, they have since become my friends, so there’s some built-in bias there. Come October, what are total strangers going to think? Now there’s the true rub. At this point, I feel kind of like one of those Weebles. I wobble a lot, but I haven’t yet fallen down. I just hope it stays that way.
